Shark Virgin Birth
CNN is reporting that a Nebraska zoo has had a shark birth with no male involvement. Scientists are saying that this is a very bad sign of a shark population in decline. Overfishing and other problems has reduced the shark population, and according to current theory, nature steps in on rare occasions to insure the survival of the species.
It sounds like a reproductive miracle, and probably is. But the implications go far beyond science.
The major versions of Christianity all teach that Jesus was born of a virgin, that the conception was immaculate and thus a fufillment of bible prophecy regarding the coming of a savior for all mankind.
The problem created by this shark virgin birth may not be immediately recognizable to theologians, but the issue remains. Was the man commonly accepted by Christians as the savior of mankind a case of mistaken identity?
What if this shark birth is the miracle Christians should be paying attention to instead? CNN interviewed at least one Wise Man who commented on the shark virgin birth. There were no gifts of frankincense or myrrh in sight, but one can only hope that the appropriate offerings would be made for this blessed event.
If this shark birth winds up being accepted as the genuine article, entire religions will have to be altered to accomodate the new savior. Crucifixes will need to be replaced by shark amulets, and Spielberg's Jaws will become a sacred text of sorts. As prophecy, it's a brilliant piece of film making. The shark in the movie died for our sins, after all, and now we finally have the proof in this virgin shark birth thing.
Of course, some people will get very upset over the very idea that we should be worshipping a shark instead of praying to Jesus. A chosen few (sorry) will actually take up arms and probably utter legally actionable death threats against yours truly for writing this column, and extolling the virtues of Shark Almighty.
Chances are, I'll need a body guard for at least six months, and have to call the FBI everytime somebody delivers a pizza, just in case it was loaded with poison or some kind of ticking device.
And the funny thing is, the way I read it, Christianity is supposed to be about freedom of choice. You can, according to some interpretations, accept the concept of Jesus as a divine messenger or not. Why the abortion clinic bombers, gay bashing ultra-righters, and Pat Robertson wannabes of the world don't get that is beyond me.
The ultra-conservatives of Christianity basically want things to be one way, and one way only. That's why they would brand me a menace to society for saying we should worship a shark.
Not that I WANT to worship a shark, mind you. Nor do I want to be forced to succumb to some kind of ultra-rightist narrow-minded bigotry that tells people who they can and can't marry, what kind of sex lives to have, and how often to go to church.
That's what this whole war on terrorism thing was supposed to be about, right? Maybe I'm getting slightly off topic here.
You can attach any religious significance to any old mumbo-jumbo you please. Some people found inspiration in cross-shaped wreckage from 9/11, others find it in the shark tank. What's the difference, really? The real message in the shark birth is that mankind might just be overstepping its bounds, running other species off the planet with our fussing and scurrying about. If there's a God, I can well imagine that he, she, or it is NOT pleased with THAT state of affairs.
In the meantime, I am renting a copy of Jaws and renouncing the sushi bar.
This article is an opinion piece which reflects the views of its author and does not necessarily reflect the views of the site itself, or the owners of Long Island Exchange. For more information please view our terms of service.