Don't Bug Me! (Peter McKay) Peter McKay - This year, my wife and I have yet another son going into ninth grade. It's the start of high school and the beginning of serious academic study, the year when a child starts to think about what they want to be when they finally finish school. Mostly, though, it means it's time for the dreaded bug collection. In Week Before Labor Day, Pointless "Filler" Columns Abound (Andy Borowitz) Andy Borowitz - Lazy Columnists Pad Out Stories by Quoting Experts, Experts Say Just Looking, Thanks! (Peter McKay) Peter McKay - This past week, as we watched the Olympics on TV almost every night, I had to sit by quietly while my wife commented, with disturbing regularity, on all the young male athletes. She wasn't talking about scores, times, or world records, or even their medals, but about how well built they all were. China's Gold Medals Found to Have High Lead Content (Andy Borowitz) Andy Borowitz - Phelps Warned Not to Lick Medals Screen Play (Peter McKay) Peter McKay - My 14-year-old son spent the first part of the year shoveling snow, then cleaning gutters and cutting grass — doing everything and anything he could do with an eye toward saving up a big wad of cash he could blow on something extravagant. Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled from Olympics (Andy Borowitz) Andy Borowitz - Diver Hid Details of Intact Family The Weighting is the Hardest Part (Peter McKay) Peter McKay - About eight years ago, I went to the doctor to get a full checkup. I was just entering my forties, had decided to start actually exercising for once, and decided that it might be nice to see whether it was likely that I'd actually see the other end of the decade before I put any effort into fixing up the body I had been issued. Britney, Paris Air Savage Anti-McCain Ad (Andy Borowitz) Andy Borowitz - Just days after Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) broadcast an anti-Obama ad in which he compared the presumptive Democratic nominee to celebrities Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, the two tabloid mainstays fought back with an eviscerating anti-McCain spot of their own.
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