(Long Island, N.Y.) First off: Piranha 3D, a remake of the 1978 film is…well, it’s just nuts. It probably has the most gore and boobies out of any R-rated movie ever made, which in and of itself is an impressive feat; it speaks loudly of how lax the ratings board has gotten in this country in recent years. For example, back in the 80’s, the Friday The 13th films were forced by censors to chop out so much objectionable footage to avoid an X-rating (NC-17 wasn’t introduced until 1990) that the end result was almost like a children’s series compared to some of the R-rated stuff we see nowadays. If Piranha 3D was released back in the 80’s, the world would have ended- it’s THAT over-the-top.
But therein lies my problem: I’m a man, and men like boobies and gore in their horror movies. Piranha 3D has these two assets like gangbusters. But I’m also a film critic, and I have to tell you if a movie is any good. I’m not saying it has to be a classic; I’m no art snob. A movie just has to excel within the boundaries of its chosen genre to be successful, as far as I’m concerned. Now, Piranha 3D has gotten a lot of positive press for it’s tongue-in-cheek, “more is not enough” approach, but personally, as a horror buff, I feel the movie doesn’t do anything that countless others have already done. And while, as a man, I was impressed with all the skin and crimson goo flying around the screen during the film’s 89 minutes, as a critic, I found Piranha 3D to be rather simple and generic…albeit good fun.
Piranha 3D wastes no time getting going: a character played by Richard Dreyfuss (um, what?) is fishing in Lake Victoria, AZ. An earthquake hits, opening up the lake floor to yet another underground lake that’s been sealed off for thousands of years. Thousands of deadly prehistoric piranha are unleashed and proceed to eat Richard Dreyfuss and anyone else they can get their teeth on. Luckily for the piranha, the lake is apparently Spring Break party central and packed with drunken, half-naked college kids, and after a brief build-up, the dinner bell is rung and the blood starts a flowin’.
Alexandre Aja burst onto the scene in 2003 with High Tension, an awesome (the first 86 minutes) yet frustrating (the last 5 minutes) serial killer tale, and has since made a name for himself as a talented horror director. Piranha 3D’s cheese factor almost seems a bit of a step back for him, but given the film’s positive critical and box office reception, it might just help boost his career- hey, everyone has to lower their standards here and there, right? Besides, Aja manages to inject a certain degree of class into the proceedings; the 5 minute long underwater nude ballet scene is a prime example. It’s both beautiful and crazy, and damn it, I couldn’t tear my eyes away. But I’m not ashamed.
The piranha themselves are, of course, CG; there’s no way to really do them convincingly with physical props. Most of the gore is CG also, but when practical make-up effects are used, sadly, they tend to fail to impress. The 3D effects are decent but I still marvel that the best 3D I’ve ever seen in a movie was years ago when I watched Terminator 2: 3D at Universal Studios. Now THAT was impressive.
Piranha 3D is given a bit of a boost by an amusing ensemble cast consisting of a lot of people that will make you go, “Hey, I haven’t seen them in years!” Elisabeth Shue, the aforementioned Richard Dreyfuss, Jerry O’Connell, Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, and Dina Meyer all join newcomers like Steven R. McQueen and Jessica Szohr. Everyone really gets into their roles and the absurd premise of the picture and that’s a good chunk of the reason why Piranha 3D works as well as it does.
But while Piranha 3D is a solid horror/comedy flick that out-gores and out-T&A’s ’em all, the reason I’m not completely embracing it like many others is because, like I said above, I’ve seen it all before…and done better. I’ve watched the Evil Dead trilogy, Dead Alive, Return Of The Living Dead, and numerous other campy gore movies and while Piranha 3D is a great throwback, it’s missing the “X-Factor” that made those movies genuine cult classics. It comes damn close, however.
So, if you’re in the mood for blood, guts, and an endless stream of naked teenage girls (and who isn’t? Oh, hi mom!), then Piranha 3D should make you very happy. And, depending on how delicate you are, possibly sick, either from the gore, or the 3D effects. You’ve been warned!
