(Long Island, N.Y.) Instead of actually reviewing the instant death that is Kevin James’ new movie, Zookeeper, I’m tempted to simply cut and paste the word “TERRIBLE” about 700 times and leave it at that. However, I don’t think that would get me paid, so I guess I’ll go the more conventional route and try to convey to you why I feel it’s one of the worst movies ever made. Seriously.

Griffin Keyes (Kevin James) is a nice guy who works in the zoo. Relating more to animals than human beings, Griffin has zero social skills and wants a girlfriend, so he decides to quit his zoo gig (which cost him a previous relationship with a fashion model who was too stuck up to be with a guy who shovels elephant poo for a living) and try and get a life…well, at least as much of a life that someone of his limited intelligence can acquire.

Not wanting Griffin to leave, his loyal animal friends suddenly decide to reveal to him that they can actually talk, and they want to school him on how to win over the ladies using their own patented mating rituals. You know, ANIMAL mating rituals. If you’ve ever watched a National Geographic special, you know the kind I’m talking about. If used on humans in real life, these techniques would likely translate to serial rape, but within the confines of this idiotic movie, it simply provides awkward, unfunny situations which results into a rape of a different sort- that is, the minds of any audience unfortunate enough to be watching it.

Of course, we all know where the movie will end up before it even begins…after trying so hard to learn social graces and be a smooth playa with the ladies, Griffin will most likely find the woman of his dreams who loves him for who he is. But what are the chances that she’ll be learning disabled? Pretty good if you ask me.

It’s hard to say where this movie goes so wrong…it just falls on its face on so many levels. Now, I understand that it’s supposed to be a kid’s movie, but even the kid I saw it with found it to be disgustingly bad, so you can’t even use the excuse that I’m too old to “get it.” It’s just universally horrid.

But, I’m reviewing it, so I suppose I must delve into specifics. First of all, the animals are all just grating. They appear to have gone the “real animals with CG mouths” route, and not only does it look bad (though I suppose 100% CG animals would have looked worse), but everything that comes out of these animal’s mouths is completely stupid and lacking in any comedic value. Oh, did I mention the line-up of “celebrity” guest voice actors for the animals, such as Sylvester Stallone, Adam Sandler, Nick Nolte, Cher, and *shudder* Rob Schneider (well, at least it’s just his voice in the movie…I don’t have to look at him). The only bright spot among this collection of washed-up actors is former UFC butt-kicker Bas Rutten, who quite appropriately plays a wolf. Anyone who’s watched “Bas Rutten’s Lethal Street Fighting” on YouTube should be happy about this brilliant casting choice.

As for the human characters, Kevin James just plays a goofy clod, and frankly, appears ashamed to even be in this movie, if you ask me. Donnie “I wish I had Marky-Mark’s career” Wahlberg plays some guy at the zoo who’s mean to James’ character, and Rosario Dawson plays James’ love interest, and is perhaps the only entertaining aspect of this movie. Other than Bas Rutten, that is.

So, yes, Zookeeper is a bad, bad, bad movie. But anyone who’s seen a commercial or trailer probably had already figured that out for themselves. I predict that Kevin James’ next movie will probably be Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, as a sequel to his only successful movie to date is the only way to go after releasing this bomb.

(Long Island, N.Y.) It you’ve seen Transformers 1 & 2, director Michael Bay’s take on the popular 80’s toy and cartoon series about alien robots who turn into cars and trucks and planes and coffee cups or whatever, then you’ve already seen Transformers 3, or “Dark of the Moon,” as per it’s odd subtitle.

Seriously, it’s exactly the same as the first two…same goofy humor, same nonsensical storyline, same over-reliance on the super-annoying human characters (seriously, every human in this movie acts like a complete idiot, insane, or both, which hardly endears you to them), to the point that we never really get to know any of the robot characters that are supposed to be the stars of the movie. Despite being called “Transformers,” this film seems to concentrate even more on the humans and even less on the robots than ever before in this series.

The Transformers themselves just seemed really unimportant for large chunks of the movie. Dark of the Moon is all about dunce lead character Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf, about whom I have a rant all ready to unleash…just wait a minute) and his new job and his hot new girl Carly Spencer (knickers model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) and his parents (whom I hate so much that I’m refusing to even name their actors) and Agent Seymour Simmons (John Turturro, who’s just as crazy and unfunny as ever) and Sam’s boss (John Malkovich, who also makes an fool out of himself in a completely embarrassing performance) and Sam’s girlfriend’s boss (Patrick Dempsey) and some mean government woman whose name I forget. Oh, and maybe once in a while a robot says something or causes something to explode to break up the pace.

Anyway, once in a while the story shifts to the Transformers, giant robots stranded on Earth that are divided into two groups: the heroic Autobots, lead by the noble Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) and the evil Decepticons, lead by the rather beat-up Megatron (Hugo Weaving).

Here and there they fight each other, or do little things to advance the overall plot of the movie, which involves these pillars that can open up a dimensional gateway to the Transformer’s home planet of Cybertron, but it’s all treated as secondary to the next “comedy” scene involving the stupid human characters.

If I actually liked the human characters I might have minded their huge amount of screen time less. As it was, I came to watch giant robots, not Sam’s mother wondering how big her son’s, um, “Johnson” is (except she doesn’t say “Johnson”).

Seriously, this really happens.

Shia LaBeouf…I used to be a fan. He gets a lot of grief from the public, and I always kind of defended him, but after playing the same type of character for the millionth time – the whole panicky, confused klutz thing – I can no longer do so. I used to think this gimmick was fine acting; I now realize that it’s merely the feeble limitations of his debatable skills in front of the camera showing for all the world to see. He plays that one role very, very well, but it’s all he can do, and seeing it milked to death and beyond for more than one or two movies simply becomes an exercise in intense pain. He’s gone from a promising young leading man to the most annoying actor in Hollywood in the span of just a few years. Congrats, Shia.

Oh, and the Sam Witwicky character now has a new girlfriend in this movie, and somehow Michael Bay found a woman on Earth

even HOTTER than ex-Transformers female lead Megan Fox to play her. Sam’s very average-looking, a total goofball, can’t find a job, and constantly whines that he should be out adventuring with his Autobot pals instead of living a boring, dull life, and yet his successful supermodel-quality girlfriend who always wears skin-tight micro-mini dresses and high-heels and perfect make-up and is filmed by the voyeuristic fiend Bay in every scene like she’s in a porno (she’s introduced in the movie with a tracking, panty-clad 3D tushy shot…isn’t this movie based on a kid’s toy line?) loves him without question, covers all the bills (they share an apartment), and generally puts up with all his B.S. This just really stretched the believability of Dark of the Moon to its tearing point, and I’m talking about a movie where 50 foot tall robots fight each other in the streets.

The only real difference between Dark of the Moon and the other Transformers installments (and a positive one, at that) are the limitations placed upon Michael Bay’s editing style because he was shooting in 3D, which necessitated a slower, more deliberate style since 3D doesn’t really favor fast movement. What results is that, for once, you can actually SEE what’s happening in the battle scenes; the camera is pulled back and no longer shakes like it’s operator is being fed 20,000 volts. It’s like night and day from the other two movies in that regard, whose battle scenes were almost incomprehensible due to the close-up, rapid-fire, MTV-style camerawork.

I thought the focus would switch more to the Transformers for the big battle at the end, but the humans are even the stars during that part. For a movie that’s supposed to be about giant robots beating the tar out of each other, you don’t see that very much in this movie…almost all of the action centers on Sam and his girlfriend. But when you do see some huge robots fight, it’s pretty damn cool, I will fully admit. I just wish there was more if it happening; when this movie left behind the horrible attempts comedy and just concentrated on action, be it robot-on-robot or human military-on-robot, it was good, mindless fun.

Oh, and it goes without saying that this movie is very, very pretty. Mind-blowingly so, in fact. Best interaction between live-action humans and CG characters (in this case, the giant robots, of course) ever seen. So, despite everywhere else that Dark of the Moon trips and fumbles, at least they got the visuals right. Of course, what movie doesn’t these days? For once I’d love a movie with a great script and characters and maybe some so-so effects. I’d be okay with that.

The easiest thing to say about Transformers: Dark of the Moon is that if you liked the first two, you’ll like this one. But if you hated the first two, nothing, and I mean nothing, about this movie will change your mind. Personally, I thought it was okay, but I have zero interest in ever watching it again.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Marvel Studios certainly seems to know how to pick their directors. Kenneth Branagh, with his vast history of Shakespeare productions, seemed a natural choice for the recent hit movie Thor (starring the Norse God of Thunder). Joe Johnston, who apparently once made some movie set in (I think) the 1940’s called The Rocketeer, seemed to be the fan’s choice to direct the World War 2-set Captain America: The First Avenger…the subject of today’s review.

Now, I never saw the Rocketeer, but I can certainly say that this Johnston guy certainly nailed the whole 1940’s vibe needed to make this kind of movie work. The result? In my opinion (the only one that counts!), Captain America is the best Marvel production since the original Iron Man…a lofty accomplishment, indeed.

Wait, I have to explain who Captain America is to you? He’s one of the most iconic comic book superheroes ever created! Well, okay…real quick, Captain America started life as Steve Rogers, a scrawny nothing of a kid from Brooklyn who desperately wanted to enlist in the Army and help fight those perky Nazis in Europe during WW2. Being an uber-pansy, Rogers is rejected over and over again,

until his perseverance gets him noticed by a big-wig Allied scientist who decided to use his special “Super Solider” serum on Rogers (which is basically some hyped up Dianabol), which in turn gets Rogers all tall and buffed out. Armed with a special indestructible throwing shield, he then heads to

Europe and fights against this dude called the Red Skull, a Nazi weapons developer and Hitler’s right-hand man whose head is…well, a red skull. He’s aptly named, folks.

The film pretty much follows the comic’s origin exactly, with small minor little changes that only the most socially awkward of

basement dwellers would care about. Steve Rogers/Captain America is played by an excellent choice: Chris Evans, who you might remember from his other superhero movie gig: The Human Torch from the so-so Fantastic Four movies. Evans, normally a pretty jacked individual, is digitally crammed into the body of a 90-pound weakling at the start of the movie, but once he gets that “Super Solider” serum, we get a look at the results of all the weights he’s been lifting and protein he’s been eating while prepping for this role. The dude’s big. But more than being physically right for the role, Evans (previously known mostly for his comedic work) delivers the goods in the acting department as well, capturing the humble nobility and never-say-die attitude of little Steve Rogers. Once he becomes Captain America, you’ve already been rooting for him.

It’s rare when a character is this likable in a superhero action movie…you see, most comic book origin movies just become an exercise in impatience while you wait for the boring stuff to pass by so you can finally see the hero don his costume and flex his powers for the first time. It’s all filler up to that point. But in Captain America, I found Steve Rogers’ story and the super-authentic 1940’s setting so compelling on their own that I wasn’t in a rush

for him to get his red, white, and blue tights on. But when it finally happened, a good movie got even better. This is an origin tale that, like X-Men: First Class, feels natural and organic as opposed to forced and rushed.

Really solid backing cast here, too. Agent Smith himself, Hugo Weaving, perfectly plays the evil Red Skull, a diabolical, disfigured fiend who has stolen a mystical relic to power his weapons of mass destruction, eventually planning on turning them against even his own Nazi bosses in his bid for world domination. Also high on my list is Hayley Atwell, who plays British SSR officer Peggy Carter. Of course, since she’s the only major female character in the movie, this means that she’s Cap’s love interest, but, playing it against type for movies of this sort, she’s not a useless, brainless bimbo, but instead spunky, tough, witty, and capable. Plus, the love story is very solidly done, making it actually kind of fun and yes, even touching in the end. “Super Solider” serum inventor Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci) and Cap’s commanding officer Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) are also bright spots in this movie.

The film has fantastic attention to detail, with the 1940’s perfectly re-created down to every little detail.

The physical, practical effects are all top-notch, as is the abundant CG. Costuming is amazing, especially when it comes to Cap’s WW2-era outfit, which is a perfect real-world re-creation of his famous comic book duds (the original funnybook-style outfit appears also, in an amusing subplot that sees Cap first used to sell War Bonds before filling his true potential on the battlefield). The pace is brisk, the action hard-hitting (Cap’s shield is a very cool weapon), the humor plentiful (but not even close to overdone), and the ending ties in with the release of next summer’s Marvel superhero team-up extravaganza, The Avengers.

So, yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I really liked Captain America: The First Avenger. You will too, once you watch it, which you now will, because I told you so. Right? Right. Now get going!

(Long Island, N.Y.) Man, going into a movie with lowered expectations can work wonders for your overall enjoyment level of said movie. However, in Green Lantern’s case, all the negative press it’s been getting seems a bit unwarranted. This DC comic book-based flick, starring Ryan Reynolds as a guy who gets a ring from a dying alien and, in turn, becomes an intergalactic superhero, was pretty much ravaged by critics but is getting solid word-of-mouth on the street. But is it worthy of such critical disdain, or does Green Lantern actually deserve your hard-earned guap? Read on!

Ryan Reynolds plays Hal Jordan, formerly of the United States Air Force and now a test pilot. Jordan spends his days flying experimental planes and his nights bagging hot babes, and while all seems well in his world (even though he gets in trouble for crashing a multi-million dollar fighter jet just to prove a point), in space, we discover that an evil alien entity known as Parallax is destroying worlds through the power of fear. The Green Lantern Corps, intergalactic police force comprised of creatures from various planets all wielding power rings fueled by willpower, enabling their wielders to create just about any weapon or object they can imagine, attempts to stop and imprison the horrific Parallax. But while one of their members, Abin Sur (Temuera Morrison), temporarily succeeds, the living embodiment of fear manages to escape (really, it wasn’t that hard…if he was so dangerous, why not have a little more security? Or any, for that matter?) and mortally wounds Abin, who crash lands on Earth.

Needing a successor, Abin bids the ring to choose from the population of Earth the most worthy. Thankfully, the ring doesn’t choose Justin Bieber, but instead – you guessed it – Hal Jordan, who is eventually transported to Oa, the home planet of the Green Lantern Corps, to be trained in their ways. There, he encounters resistance in the form of Thaal Sinestro (Mark Strong), a veteran Green Lantern who becomes Jordan’s mentor despite not believing a lowly human is capable of filling the big shoes of Abin Sur.

But even when schooled in the ways of the Green Lantern Corps and their powers, is Jordan able to conquer his fear and somehow stop the onslaught of Parallax, as he decides to make Earth next on his menu?

So, I’m going to have to agree with the public on this one…I know the reviews have been beating up on Green Lantern, but I was entertained; it’s a very solid movie (but nothing compared to the masterful X-Men: First Class, of course). Ryan Reynolds was good, putting in an obvious strong effort to do as much with the role as he possibly could, and while I’ve seen movies where he was the most annoying thing on the planet, here in Green Lantern he’s charismatic and likable. I would also say that he handles the action scenes like a champ, but considering the fact that all of those scenes are, like, 99.62% all CG, really, Stephen Hawking could have handled the role just as well in that respect. But still, when it comes down to it, Reynolds is easily the best thing about this movie…not Robert Downey Jr./Iron Man good, but he’s up there.

And the different ways they used Green Lantern’s power ring for stuff was fun and unique for a superhero flick- it kind of reminded me of Jim Carry’s The Mask in a way. The pacing of the film could have been better, but overall this isn’t nearly as bad as people are saying. Its fun, it’s funny, fairly original (in content if not presentation…it follows the Superhero movie origin template about as closely as you can get), and the action scenes are pretty cool.

The other “strong” point in this movie is Mark Strong (haha, I’m so witty) as Sinestro, who has an excellent look, presence, and delivery. It’s actually a shame that he’s under-utilized as he is here. If a sequel happens, as the mid-credits stinger strongly suggests, he will obviously play a much bigger part in it.

Green Lantern also has a good supporting cast made up of a lot of veterans you might not have seen in a movie in a while, such as Tim Robbins and Angela Bassett. Oh, and Blake Lively plays Carol Ferris, Jordan’s love interest, who’s exactly the same as every other female love interest in every other Superhero movie: she looks hot. Um…that’s it. That’s all they ever are. Hot. Not that I don’t enjoy looking at a hot woman going “duh” for 90 minutes or so, but for once I’d like to see this kind of role expanded and actually given some depth and intelligence, you know? Or, barring that, let’s start making some FEMALE superhero flicks…there’s plenty to choose from, but the point I’m trying to make is to give women some meatier parts to play in movies of this type.

One MAJOR problem with Green Lantern, however…Peter Sarsgaard as Dr. Hector Hammond, this nerdy scientist bad guy. The audience was cracking up every single time he walked onto the screen because he just LOOKED AND ACTED SO DAMN STUPID. You see, he gets infected by the evil “yellow energy” of Parallax (in this movie, green = good, yellow = bad) and as a result his brain grows to mammoth size and he just gets all sweaty-looking and starts acting super-goofy. There’s this scene where he rolls out in a wheelchair with this crazy super-bloated head and jowl, you’d have thought the movie was a comedy based on the audience’s reaction. It’s like Green Lantern was fighting Eric Stoltz from Mask. I have no idea how Hammond made it past storyboards, but this guy’s the worst movie bad guy in years, if not EVER.

So, if you’ve seen Thor, X-Men: First Class (actually, you should see that one twice), and just can’t wait for Captain America: The First Avenger next month and need yet another Superhero fix RIGHT NOW, Green Lantern should tide you over just fine. I’d recommend ignoring the critics on this one (except me, of course!) and checking it out.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Whenever a movie comes out with a number in its title, and that movie isn’t a sequel to something, my friends and I have this running gag that just never gets old. Take Super 8 for instance…the joke would be to say, “Well, I didn’t see the first 7, but…” I’m telling ya, it never ceases to crack us up.

Anyway, Super 8 is a sci-fi movie written and directed by J. J. Abrams (2009’s Star Trek reboot) and produced by Steven Spielberg that’s about a group of kids growing up in 1979 Ohio who are all working together on making their own homemade zombie movie shot on Super 8 film. One of the kids, Joe Lamb (Joel Courtney), has recently lost his mother to an industrial factory accident, and he’s understandably all mopey about it…at least until he meets the daughter of town drunk, Alice (Elle Fanning), whose father was kinda, sorta responsible for the demise of Joe’s mother. It’s complicated. However, Alice is super-cute, and Joe and his friends rope her into working on their little film with them.

At this point the film is very enjoyable. The kids in Joe’s

little band are all fun and engaging, although aside from Joe and Alice, none of them are really given much to say or do and all of them are basically clichéd, typical Hollywood child archetypes: the fat wise-ass, the glasses-wearing nerd, the runt with a backpack full of fireworks. But it works on a surface level, and Joe and Alice’s characters are fleshed out and well-acted enough that it’s not a big deal. Overall, Super 8 starts out as a rather charming coming-of-age tale.

Then a train crashes while the kids are filming a pivotal scene in their zombie movie, a top-secret government thingy escapes from said train and starts causing all sorts of shenanigans around town, and things for the audience start to go slightly downhill.

Let’s start with the train wreck (an appropriate catalyst for the turn the movie takes in this instance, metaphorically speaking): while shooting at a local train station at night, the kids notice a pickup truck turn onto the tracks and crash head-on with a military locomotive going full-speed ahead. It’s revealed later that the driver did this on purpose for reasons that we’ll keep secret for the time being.

Anyway, what results is the most over-the-top crash in history…the train practically shreds and every possible thing that can explode does indeed explode, as loudly and as often as possible. It lasted for what seemed to be 20 minutes, as kids were running to and fro, dodging debris and fireballs left and right. It was just too much, given that this didn’t start out as an 80’s Action flick.

But that wasn’t even the most ridiculous thing about that scene! After the area has almost been rendered the equivalent of Hiroshima at ground zero, the kids discover that the whacked-out driver that caused the disaster is not only alive, but still sitting in his mostly-intact pickup! Um…what the hell?

From there, the military shows up and the movie starts doing its best to rip-off the feel of Spielberg flicks like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T. At that point, the movie went from “very enjoyable” to “just okay.”

The problem is that the two halves just don’t gel with one another. Super 8 was a better and more original film when the kids were making the zombie movie before the stupid mini-Cloverfield alien and his army buddies showed up. From that scene onward, the movie starts regurgitating

a

lot of familiar imagery and story elements seen in many early Spielberg works. Super 8 never gets outright bad, but despite all the things blowing up and flying around and all the

people who are placed in mortal danger, you never find yourself as involved as when it was just a gang of dorky kids with monster make-up shooting a little home movie.

There was a lot of hype put into Super 8’s release, and while the end result of the collaboration between Abrams and Spielberg is solid, it just makes me wonder what the film could have been if Abrams just followed his own imagination instead of trying to re-capture the Spielberg of old. As far as I’m concerned, Super 8 was a curious little diversion, but now that Abrams has indulged his inner-child, let’s finally get cracking on that Star trek sequel, okay?

(Long Island, N.Y.) After the wretched X-Men: The Last Stand and the so-so X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I had given up hope that the once critically-acclaimed superhero franchise based on my beloved series of childhood comic books would ever turn out a watchable entry again.

Enter Matthew Vaughn, director of 2010’s hit funny-book flick Kick-Ass, and suddenly the series is back to…well, kicking ass once again. With the damage done to the X-Men storyline after The Last Stand, nothing short of a total reboot could have fixed the X-Men movies. But Vaughn, who was originally slated to direct X-Men: The Last Stand (but pulled out due to various reasons, mostly conflicts with Fox) and producer Bryan Singer (who directed the great X-Men 1 & 2), instead came up with a better idea: X-Men: First Class, a prequel set in the 1960’s that shows how the team of mutant heroes was formed. Since the regular X-Men movies took place in the near-future, we have a few decades of storyline continuity before we have to start worrying again about what a mess The Last Stand was.

Now we get to discover the mysterious origins of X-Men leader Professor Charles Xavier/Professor X (James McAvoy) and Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto (Michael Fassbender), both mutants; human beings born with special powers, representing the next stage in evolution for mankind. Starting out as friends and allies united by fate, Xavier and Lehnsherr end up at odds with the Hellfire Club, a group of evil mutants lead by Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon). To combat their foes, Xavier and Lehnsherr comb the globe, searching for young mutants to train in the use of their
powers to aid in the final showdown with Shaw, whose dastardly plot involves getting his sticky fingers into one of the most harrowing events of the 1960’s cold war between the United States and the Soviet Union: the Cuban Missile Crisis.

However, Xavier and Lehnsherr eventually develop a Martin Luther King Jr./Malcom X kind of split in their world view, with Xavier looking to have humans and mutants peacefully co-exist while Lehnsherr, a Jew who was scarred emotionally as a child by his interment in a Nazi death camp, views mutant kind as superior and seeks to aggressively protect them from a humanity that he believes will hunt down and persecute them. These opposing views create a rift between the two friends, and soon, that rift becomes a void, eventually drawing Xavier and Lehnsherr into a conflict with one another that will last for years…possibly the rest of their lives.

X-Men: First Class was great. It’s very well-done excellent acting, plot, casting, pacing, effects, humor, action…just great all-around. I wasn’t wild about all the origin changes from the comic, but what they did worked within the context of the movie. It was an origin movie that felt natural, organic, and flowed well, unlike most comic movies, which feel forced and rushed to just get to the superhero’s costumed debut or whatever. I’m already dying for a sequel.

The centerpiece of this movie was the chemistry and impressive dramatic abilities displayed between McAvoy and Fassbender, both fantastic actors who match up amazingly well when compared to Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, the respective originators of their roles in the primary X-Men series. In reality, there’s really not a weak link in the entire large cast, mostly made up of unknowns…well, except for Bacon, who’s devilishly sinister as Shaw, not to mention a number of cameos by well-known character actors. For long-time X-Men fans, there are also plenty of fun little references to the comics as well as the other movies in the series.

Oh, and the small cameo scene by a certain popular clawed, Adamantium-laced X-Man was the best use of the F-Bomb ever in a PG-13 movie.

Personally, X1 has always been my favorite X-Men movie, even though X2 is in many ways better. It’s hard to explain why…maybe it’s because the X-Men comic was very near and dear to me growing up, and it was awesome to have someone take the subject matter so seriously, especially at a time when superhero movies were rare and usually campy pieces of crap. I mean, that opening
scene with Magneto in the Nazi camp blew me away, because right then and there I knew this movie was going to be the real deal. The same with the scene in the bar when Wolverine cut the guy’s shotgun in half. That was perfect.

That said, for me First Class is about on par with X2, and just under X1. But I admit that a lot of my love for X1 is nostalgia, so who knows. What I do know is that X-Men: First Class is a great, great movie, and if you even have the slightest interested in comic book movies…heck, even if you have NO interest in comic book movies, see it anyway. This might be the one that converts you.

(Long Island, N.Y.) I’m one of the few Americans that didn’t quite get The Hangover. It was a funny film, sure, and it frequently went over the line of good taste, but overall, I just didn’t get what all the commotion was about.

Still, it made a boatload of dough, and the Powers That Be demanded a sequel and, well, here it is: a shot-for-shot remake of the first movie, cleverly titled “The Hangover Part 2.” Same plot, same characters, same story progression, same twists, same everything. Director Todd Phillips is the physical embodiment of the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

“But Chris,” you say. “I never saw the original Hangover! You can’t review a sequel by just saying that it’s a carbon-copy of the first one…what about people like me?” Well, okay, that’s fair. Let’s discuss the 2009 comedy hit for a moment, shall we?

The film starred Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis as guys who go to a friend’s bachelor party in Las Vegas, tie one on, and wake up the next day in their destroyed hotel room with no memory of what happened the night before. The groom is missing, and the trio wander aimlessly about town trying to piece together exactly what the heck happened the night before. Cue wacky and politically-incorrect adventures.

Now, move the setting from Vegas to Thailand, change nothing else, and there you have it: The Hangover Part 2. I’ll recap the plot by using the magical power known as cutting and pasting a good chunk of my previous paragraph, with minor, minor corrections to account for the .01% difference in plot: the guys who go to a friend’s bachelor party in Thailand, tie one on, and wake up the next day in their destroyed hotel room with no memory of what happened the night before. The groom’s future brother-in-law is missing, and the trio wander aimlessly about town trying to piece together exactly what the heck happened the night before. Cue wacky and politically-incorrect adventures. Oh, and it ends the same way, too.

I suppose this would be okay if the jokes were fresh, or at least even funny, but they’re not. The filmmakers seem to be going more for the “I can’t believe they did that” laughter from audiences than anything resembling actual wit, which is just weak and lazy.

Bradley Cooper plays Phil Ed, the cool, pretty guy of the group. He’s okay. Ed Helms plays Stu the nerdy dentist, and this time around he’s the one getting married. He’s okay as well…actually, he’s a little more okay than Cooper, because he’s the closest thing to a funny character this movie has. Not close enough, but closer than anyone else. Oh, and Zach Galifianakis again plays weirdo man-child Alan, and the act is growing thin, Zach. This guy plays the same role in every movie he makes; that’s why Adam Sandler’s career is in the toilet now, Zach. Stop before it’s too late.

Bit players from the first Hangover show up too, and I suppose if you liked the first movie you’d get excited by their inclusion, but really…who cares? When you see so little effort going into the production of a sequel, so little original thought or passion to deliver something that surpasses the original, you can’t help but feel ripped off. Perhaps a little insulted. Everyone involved is just cashing a paycheck. Nothing more.

The sad thing is that, based on how much they loved the first movie, the public will flock to the sequel. It will produce gobs of cash for the studios not based on its own merits, but on the goodwill generated by the original Hangover. Once that’s used up, further sequels will deliver diminishing returns because of how many people went to see Part 2 and walked out pretty much saying what I’ve been saying this entire review. Of course, the critical backlash against Part 2 will go unnoticed by the producers, who will declare this film a massive hit and exactly what fans wanted…

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t laugh a few times during The Hangover Part 2’s running time, but that didn’t stop me from that whole “been there, done that” feeling about 10 minutes into the movie. Now, if you loved the first Hangover and wished nothing more than to have it re-released with a new poster and the number “2” at the end, your ship has come in. Me, I wouldn’t support such by-the-numbers drivel. X-Men: first Class opens today. Go see that instead…I hear it’s pretty great.

(Long Island, N.Y.) This week I had the option to review “Bridesmaids,” but given the description of it as being the “female version of The Hangover,” I instead opted

for something that I thought would be a tad more highbrow; in this case, “The Conspirator.” Hey, now I love trashy cinema as much as the next guy, but a courtroom period drama about the Abraham Lincoln assassination just seemed to be more what I was in the mood for. And that cast! Robin Wright (Jenn-nay from Forest Gump), James McAvoy (Professor X in the upcoming X-Men: First Class), Kevin Kline (wow, haven’t seen him in anything in a while), Colm Meaney (Transporter Chief O’Brien!), Evan Rachel Wood (didn’t she play Mickey Rourke’s daughter in The Wrestler? Yup, she did), and on and on…not to mention that the film itself is directed by ol’ Robert Redford himself.

However, the end result, while engaging, is nonetheless somewhat plodding and slow in parts. Bear in mind, this is in no way the fault of the actors…rather, I suspect that the culprit is, in fact, whoever Redford chose to cut this thing once filming was complete. A few snippets and delicate tweaks here and there in the editing room would have made all the difference in making The Conspirator a true classic, as opposed to a curious footnote that will possibly be forgotten in due time.

Okay, so we all know who honest Abe Lincoln was, right? I don’t have to get into a history lesson for anyone, do I? No? Good. Anyway, the Civil War has just ended, and Abe’s off to enjoy a relaxing evening at the theater…that is, until a rotten guy named John Wilkes Booth plugs him in the noggin from behind in the name of the vanquished South. However, this isn’t Lincoln’s story, or even Booth’s…as the tagline for The Conspirator goes, “One bullet killed the president. But not one man.” Yup, there was a conspiracy afoot, so let the witch hunt begin!

Soon, several people are arrested and charged with conspiring to kill the President. The lone woman charged, Mary Surratt (Robin Wright), had the misfortune of merely owning a boarding house where the real conspirators lived (including her son), but in the government’s zeal to root out and punish those responsible for Lincoln’s murder in the most public manner possible, she is made the scapegoat of the case based on, at best, circumstantial evidence. Also, she is tried in Military court, something previously unheard of for a civilian. Things are looking grim for Ms. Surratt, that’s for sure.

Enter newbie lawyer Frederick Aiken (James McAvoy), a Union war-hero turned shyster. Aiken (no relation to

Clay…maybe) reluctantly agrees to defend Surratt after being basically forced by his boss to take the case, who reasoned that the woman would have a better chance against the highly, highly, HIGHLY biased military tribunal if defended by a highly decorated Northern solider. However, as the facts of the case slowly start to come to light, Aiken’s hostile stance on his client starts to soften…is it possible that she’s NOT guilty? But even if she is, how can Aiken prove otherwise when everyone in power wants her swinging from the end of a rope?

Sounds like a great movie, huh? Well, in many ways, The Conspirator is just that: it has great performances from a great cast, a beautifully and painstakingly post-Civil War era re-created in every detail, and a compelling plot-line. But, in this case, the overall movie is LESS than the sum of its parts, mostly due to scenes that are drawn out, a plot that, while compelling, is often prone to meandering and losing its focus, and, despite this film being a courtroom drama, I found there to be very little of it actually set in the courtroom, which was a letdown, as I love that stuff.

Despite my complaints, The Conspirator is still a solid offering, albeit a slightly disappointing one. It bums me out to have

to say that, in the hands of an editor that had a better grasp of things like pacing and plot cohesion this would have been a far superior movie instead of just the average one that made it to theaters. Oh well.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Is it a compliment to say that a movie isn’t nearly as horrible as I was expecting it to be? That it was actually, shockingly, okay? I…I guess it is. Such is Priest, a new sci-fi vampire flick starring Paul Bettany, who you probably know as the voice of Iron Man’s wise-ass computer, JARVIS. Based on the trailers, I was expecting the viewing of this film to cause me the utmost in physical and mental pain, but to my surprise, it actually ended up being solid. Not great, not bad, but solid.

Stick around folks…I’m going to be using a lot of middle-of the-road clichés to describe this one. First off, let’s get the bad stuff out of the way. The plot of Priest is laughably bad and, quite honestly, makes almost no sense. The movie starts with a cartoon animation recap of the ongoing war between humanity and vampires, showing how the humans have been getting their butts kicked for centuries until the Church unleashes their specially-trained vampire-killing warriors, called (what else?) “Priests.”

Now, this is stupid in the sense that it’s established that the vampires in Priest don’t really have the traditional undead resistance to injury and death; yeah, sunlight kills ’em good, but so does just about anything else. Guns, knives, anything. No one mentions wooden stakes, silver bullets, or targeting specific areas of their anatomy, and we constantly see Priests knocking off vamps with relative ease. So, given this fact, we’re expected to believe that a handful of kung-fu clergy can do what vast armies backed by tanks and rockets and flamethrowers can’t? Like I said, stupid.

Anyway, to keep the citizens safe, the Church constructs huge walled cities for them to live in, and the Priests (who have goofy crosses tattooed on their faces) easily whoop the vampire menace using only edged weapons and their fists. The straggler vamps are rounded up and forced into reservations like Native Americans, which begs the question: why? Why not just kill them off altogether if they pose such a threat? But of course, that would be smart.

No longer needed, the Priests are demoted to the scrubs of society, shunned and feared by the general populace and are only able to get the crappiest of crappy jobs. Anyone see the Vietnam Veteran reference here, besides everyone?

Well, guess what? The vamps are rising up once again and attack a small homestead out in the Wild West-style wastelands that surround the cities, kidnapping the niece of Paul Bettany’s Priest character, known only as “Priest.” Priest asks Monsignor Orelas, the Church’s leader, if he can go and look for her, but despite having saved humanity a million times over, he is treated like a total loser, and his request is denied for basically no good reason whatsoever. So, of course, Priest basically says “F You” by breaking his vows and goes anyway, drawing the ire of the Church who pulls four other retired Priests away from shoveling elephant poo (or whatever they do to pass the time these days) to hunt him down.

Really, the actions of Monsignor Orelas are just silly. Who cares if some nobody wants to split and look for family out in the middle of nowhere?

However, the kidnapping of Priest’s niece was no mere coincidence, but in fact a calculated move by the evil half-human/half-vampire Black Hat (Karl Urban, who always brings the goods to any role he plays). Why? And will the Church catch and punish Priest for breaking his vows? Will Priest stop the dastardly vampire plot to invade the city? I know, but I ain’t tellin’!

Yeah, so Priest is decent. Like I’ve been going

out of my way to point out throughout this review thus far, there’s a lot of stupid elements peppering the otherwise threadbare plot of this movie, but once you get past them, you’ll find Priest to be a well-paced action movie with some pretty good fight scenes and some adequate CG (told you I’d be using a lot of middle-of the-road clichés here). It helps massively if you go in with expectations of agony and despair, as you might even be shocked that, despite its flaws, Priest doesn’t really supply much in the way of either. I mean, it was entertaining. Stupid, but entertaining. The vampire design is pretty freaky, too.

Paul Bettany seems to do fine in physical roles, and is pretty convincing as a warrior in this movie. He doesn’t do much in the way of acting, but the role doesn’t really ask him to do anything other than growl out a line here or there, so I guess that’s unimportant. Karl Urban (watch for him in the upcoming new Judge Dredd movie!) plays a character that requires a bit more in terms of range, and he manages to effectively come off as creepy, smug, and all-around evil. It’s a pretty cool part he plays, and he pretty much is the only aspect of Priest that stands out in any real way. This is of little surprise if you

saw how wonderfully he played Leonard “Bones” McCoy in J.J. Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek reboot

(speaking of which, when is that ever getting a sequel? Is Abrams waiting for the new cast to get as old as the original cast? Sheesh).

One other issue I have with Priest is the film’s sense of style; the human city itself is very Blade Runner-ish, but once we leave its walls, everything gets this Wild West vibe which clashes badly with the movie’s otherwise futuristic sensibilities. Outland people in Priest live in wooden cabins, listen to records played on gramophones, and light up dark places with oil lanterns. It just seems like a contrived and goofy design choice when people are also zipping around on jet motorcycles that go over 300 miles per hour and wield Bibles that fire swarms of transforming super shurikens.

So, if you’ve already seen better movies like Thor and Fast Five and your action movie fix still needs…um, fixing, Priest just might be your answer. Just remember…”low expectations.”

(Long Island, N.Y.) “Thor? Well, it hurts.” Get it? GET IT? No? Well, it helps if you say it with a lisp…

Okay, bad jokes aside, let’s just jump into this week’s review: Thor, the latest Marvel Comics character to get the big-screen treatment. Now, if you’ve read this column before (and you do every week, don’t you?), you’ll know that I love superhero movies. As a

big-time comic book fan growing up, these characters represent a large part of my childhood, and getting to see them actually come alive on film is something of a nostalgic thrill for me. X-Men, Iron Man, Spider-Man…all good stuff. And the upcoming Captain America flick looks pretty amazing, too.

As for Thor, I was more of a casual fan. I’ve read a few issues of his comic, and I know the basics, but I’m not the type of crazed fan who could pick out every little change director Kenneth Branagh made when translating the adventures of the mystical hammer-wielding Asgardian God of Thunder to the screen. Still, given that the Thor comic is wrought with Shakespearian melodrama in-between hammer-clobberings and lightning strikes, a Bard-obsessed filmmaker like Branagh is a perfect fit. Add in a stellar cast such as Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, and Anthony Hopkins, and how could you go wrong? Well, in a few ways actually, but that doesn’t stop Thor from being a very good movie regardless of a few warts.

For newbies to the world of Norse mythology upon which the Thor comic is based, our film takes place in the realm of Asgard, home of the Gods. Odin (Anthony Hopkins), king of Asgard, banishes his mighty and noble yet butt-headed son Thor (Chris Hemsworth) to Earth, stripped of his godly powers, after breaking the peace between Asgard and Frost Giants of Jotunheim. Don’t get me wrong, Thor had the best of intentions, but still, he messed up, and Odin had to make an example of him, you know? Of course, this plays into the hands of Thor’s evil brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston), whose desire for power (don’t all evil guys have that?) will now run unchecked.

Thor finds himself stranded on Earth in mortal form, without his hammer Mjolnir, the source of his power. You see, Odin cast a spell on the hammer so only someone worthy can lift it – kind of a Sword in the Stone deal – and since I’m not in this movie to usurp Thor’s power, you know that it’s only a matter of time before Thor gains the humility and honor he needs to be deemed worthy once again of wielding Mjolnir.

Along the way, Thor gets into a romance with scientist Jane Foster (Oscar-winner Natalie Portman), adjusts to wacky mortal customs, gets into some fights, and eventually heads back to Asgard for his big showdown with Loki. Never guessed the movie would progress like that, huh?

Overall, Thor is a good movie, albeit one that takes few chances or makes any real attempt to deviate from (very) established cinematic clichés. The story, while well-told, is always what you expect. And when it’s not what you expect, it’s actually kind of stupid. For example, when Thor arrives on Earth, he’s suddenly very hungry and starts eating everything he can get his hands on. What, he didn’t eat in Asgard? But, despite just discovering food, two seconds later comes a scene where he’s suddenly cooking eggs for everyone. Oh, and then one second he’s beating the crap out of mortals, and then, for no reason whatsoever, he wants to start protecting them. Why? I don’t know! Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that Thor and Jane have about maybe 47 seconds of meaningful dialogue in this movie before falling hopelessly in love with one another. Of course, that happens in every movie, so we can hardly be surprised here, now can we?

Aside from quibbles like that, Thor does indeed bring a lot of positives as well. The realm of Asgard is beautifully realized using some pretty great CG, and the action scenes are all intense, hard-hitting, and visually impressive. But where Thor excels is the acting; the cast members are all well-chosen and really take a bite out of their roles. Hemsworth is charming and physically intimidating as Thor, Hiddleston subtly menacing as Loki, and Hopkins plays Odin with all the grandiose flair you’d expect of a production of King Lear. Portman is good, playing your typical Hollywood love interest/chick in distress, but alas, she doesn’t even approach the level of performance she turned in doing Black Swan, for which she won an Oscar. But hey, maybe she was tired.

Of course, Thor takes place in the new Marvel Cinematic Universe; Marvel Comics is now producing their own movies, which gives them the opportunity to finally

crossover their characters in the upcoming superhero team-up movie The Avengers, due out next year. Teaming up the God of Thunder with Iron Man, The Hulk, and Captain America, among others, Thor has several references to the Avengers film scattered about during its running time, especially if you wait until after the credits…

So, while not perfect, Thor is a very worthy addition to Marvel’s live-action line-up. You’re likely to enjoy it to some degree even if you’re not familiar with the comic, as the filmmakers took an approach that has made this film very accessible to the general public while littering it with enough comic references to

keep the rabid fan-boys happy. However, I’m already looking past Thor and forward to Captain America: The First Avenger, due out in theaters in just a few months. Now THAT film I have VERY high hopes for, based on the stellar trailers. Of course, it’s a trailer’s job to look good (how many bad movies have great trailers?), but let’s just hope for the best, okay?