(Long Island, N.Y.) Well, Daniel Craig was on a roll…landed the role as James Bond (although the 007 series is currently on hold since its parent company, MGM, is in the financial toilet), starred in a big sci-fi/action blockbuster (Cowboys and Aliens), and now this. Dream House, a slow, boring wannabe thriller that takes the best parts of Fight Club and waters them down into a thin, icky broth. Does that make any sense? Neither does Dream House.

It’s funny…most thrillers have big plot twists, right? The Sixth Sense, The Usual Suspects, and so on. All had big, forehead-slapping reveals at their climaxes. And along comes Dream House, who rebels against this trend and supplies you with the plot twist in the middle of the movie! However, as a point where most films will end and roll the credits, Dream House keeps going…and going…and going. However, Morgan Creek, the company that produced this bore, evidently didn’t think this was enough of a spoiler, so they decided to reveal the twist in the trailer they cut to promote the movie! Sheesh!

Well, don’t worry, folks…if you’re interested in seeing this, and have somehow avoided being exposed to all this sensitive information regarding the big surprise that really isn’t a big surprise, I won’t spoil it for you. What I WILL spoil, however, is the amount of pain you’re in for if you DO decide to pay to see Dream House. And there will be pain…I assure you.

Dream House is about a guy named Will Atenton (Daniel Craig), who decides to pack up and move from New York City to suburban Connecticut with his wife Libby (Rachel Weisz, who’s looking quite thin these days) and their two little and rather uninteresting daughters. You see, Will’s all set to write his big novel and make untold millions…just like me! Anyway,

strange things start happening once they move into their new house – goth kids start partying in the basement, strangers peer in through windows, and a guy tries to run Will over in his own front yard. Oh, and Will also finds out that the previous owner of his humble little abode went nuts and killed his entire family. I mean, I know it’s a buyer’s market in real estate these days, but its little things like that that can really drive the price of a home down, you know?

So, Will starts looking into the fate of the former owner of his house, a man by the name of Peter Ward. He also starts getting odd visits from his neighbor, Ann Patterson (Naomi Watts), who seems to know more about Will and his house than she’s letting on. And other weird stuff starts happening, but I can tell you now: it’s just not very compelling. And when the big “twist” comes around, it becomes even less so.

The thing that really kills Dream House is its pacing; there is none. It’s as slow, bland, and as uninteresting as can be. Oh, and I can SWEAR that Daniel Craig was using an American accent at the beginning of the movie, but that over the course of Dream House’s running time it slowly dissolved away until he was practically speaking British cockney by the end. But maybe I’m wrong.

Aside from the pacing, the movie also suffers from its promotional campaign. I’ve already spoken about the spoiler-filled trailer, but in addition to that disservice, it also paints Dream House as an out-and-out supernatural horror movie, similar to films like The Ring or The Grudge. In reality, it’s more of a thriller/whodunit with maybe a little bit of a supernatural flourish thrown in for good measure. I really hate it when a trailer misrepresents a film’s intentions, since going into a movie with the right frame of mind is very important when it relates to the enjoyment you get out of it.

I can’t really hate on the acting in Dream House, since it’s solid across the board, but everyone involved (especially Craig and Weisz) seems to be having a bit of an off day. No one embarrasses themselves,

but something just seemed to be missing from their performances. But the flawed script and deadly pacing of Dream House are insurmountable obstacles for pretty much any actor, A-Game or not. Craig and Weisz are capable of better, but perhaps they just couldn’t get excited about the finished product, since rumor has it that the director and producers fought on-set practically every day over the direction filming was taking. Word is that the studio even made several cuts to the finished product that hurt it, but even if true, Dream House didn’t give the vibe that it was ever very interesting to begin with, so whatever.

Dream House: a run-of-the-mill thriller that should have ended when the twist was revealed, not an hour later. Skip it.

(Long Island, N.Y.) I’m not really that into sports. And I’m especially not much of a baseball fan. Hey, sorry, but we all have our own thing, right? So, with this being said, I went into the showing of the film I’m reviewing today, Moneyball, with a small bit of bias against it. Why, you may ask? Well obviously, if you couldn’t guess, Moneyball is a baseball movie. But you know what? That’s not necessarily a bad thing, because while it deals with a sport that I know almost nothing about (football comes in first when it comes to my sports ignorance hit list), Moneyball is, first and foremost, a good movie that just so happens to be about baseball.

In other words, you don’t have to know anything about baseball or even like it to get enjoyment out of this film. Just buy your ticket, plant your butt in the nice stadium seat, and prepare to be entertained.

Now, another thing Moneyball has going for it is that, while it IS a sports movie, what it’s NOT is yet another one of those “band of misfit underdog players make the most of their quirks and pull together to win the big game” movies. Well, actually…it kinda IS one of those movies, but there’s a twist that makes it fresh and unique in a crowded marketplace of “inspirational” sports movies.

Oh yes, did I mention that Moneyball is based on a TRUE STORY? Well, it is. The story involves the Oakland Athletics’ General Manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt), who tries to revamp his team of losers in time for their 2002 season. The traditional route of throwing buckets of cash at the best players are denied to him due to the fact that the dough just isn’t there, so instead he goes for an unorthodox solution: Peter Brand (Jonah Hill), a young economics graduate who has discovered a way, via the power of computers and statistics, to assess overlooked players and figure out how best to leverage them so that the team wins as a whole.

Despite the obvious lunacy of drafting players that are considered old, injured, and just plain loaded with suck by the general population (not to mention his staff), Beane embraces Brand’s plan and, despite heavy opposition from head coach Art Howe (Philip Seymour Hoffman) to play these guys the way they need to be played, the plan eventually comes together and before you know it, the Oakland A’s are on a winning streak that is shocking the nation. But the question remains, can they bring home the championship and quell the regret hiding in Beane’s heart, himself a former pro baller who spent a lackluster career being traded around from team to team because he didn’t have what it took?

Like I said, you don’t have to be a fan of baseball to dig Moneyball. It’s well-acted, smartly paced (impressive, since most of the action takes place off the baseball field), and fairly engrossing, as there’s quite a bit of human drama going on. I’m not sure why director Bennett Miller spent quite so much time focusing on Billy Beane’s workout routine throughout the movie, but I guess when you have a guy that looks like Brad Pitt subbing for his decisively more average-looking real-life counterpart, you have to explain why he’s not fat and gross like the rest of his staff members.

Plus, in addition to getting deep into Beane’s nooks and crannies, we also get a nice glimpse into the life of a professional baseball player and all the hills and valleys their careers hit along the way. Some get hurt, some fired, some traded, some sent to the minor leagues. It’s a bumpy, uncertain ride for these folks, and I came away from the movie with a new-found sense of respect for what they do as athletes and human beings. I still don’t give a damn about baseball, but I feel for the people playing it.

So, sports fan or not, Moneyball is an excellent way to kill 2+ hours. Oh, and for you sports fans – I watched Moneyball with a die-hard sports maniac, and he liked it a lot as well, so if you can’t take the word of a non-sports schlep like me, then by all means, take his. After all, he knows his stuff when it comes to sports.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Killer Elite is an action film. An action film with a rather stellar cast, overall: Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert De Niro. However, it’s also an action movie that ends up actually being a bit more than the sum of its parts. Not MUCH more, but more. Read on.

Killer Elite is based on some book called The Feather Men by Sir Ranulph Fiennes that’s supposed to be based on actual events…real “Black Ops” kinda stuff. Of course, I’m sure the movie has changed all the actual facts for the sake of establishing “drama” to the point where the novel is almost unrecognizable, but that’s Hollywood for ya.

Anyway, the movie is about an assassin named Danny Bryce (Statham…let me ask you, how does this guy always manage to have perfect 5 O’clock shadow? I mean, always?) who has recently retired. Of course, that’s the cue for his mentor, a gentleman named Hunter (Robert De Niro), to be kidnapped. And guess what? The guys who kidnapped Hunter want Danny to come out of retirement for “one last job.” This job happens to involve killing some guys that killed the sons of a powerful sheik. So, Danny gets a gang together to assist him, blood flies everywhere, and so on. Killer Elite is nothing if not predictable.

But that doesn’t make it a bad movie, however. Jason Statham has really become this generation’s go-to guy for solid action movies. He’s never made anything truly amazing, but he’s got a good “tough guy” look and attitude, comes equipped with legit martial arts training, and typically doesn’t go off on whiney tangents about the duality of life or whatever. His lone foible is his compassion- in many of his movies, he tends to go out of his way not to kill people, which is unfortunate for an action star. Sadly, this undesirable trait surfaces here, as Statham’s character refuses to kill a child in one scene. Well, I guess killing kids IS bad, so I’ll let him off on this one. Believe me, he otherwise does a more than respectable amount of damage in this movie…his big fight scene with Clive Owen almost rivals the big Vin Diesel/Dwayne Johnson brawl in Fast Five. Almost.

While Statham coasts along doing his usual shtick, the real surprise of this movie is Robert De Niro, who finally found a recent role that has managed to light a fire under him for once. Maybe it’s because De Niro’s been slumming in every crappy family comedy for ages, but his appearance in an actual action movie seems to have woken him up…in Killer Elite he’s got a spark that tells you that he’s legitimately enjoying himself, and it really shows. When I saw him in the trailer, I thought his presence in what appeared to be an otherwise by-the-book B-Action movie kind of an odd fit, but after watching his performance, it’s clear that he’s right at home breaking bones and taking names.

Otherwise, it’s an action movie. People fight, chase each other in cars, and blow stuff up real nice. Yeah, the camera is a little too all over the place during the fisticuffs, but that’s every movie made nowadays…you just have to deal with it. But, that aside, Killer Elite is a very solid entry into the action genre. Plus, it has Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who awesomely played Adebisi on HBO’s OZ) in a supporting role! What more could you ask?

So, you want action? Come and get it. Killer Elite should easily satisfy your bloodlust!

(Long Island, N.Y.) Hmm…I can’t say that director Steven Soderbergh‘s new movie, Contagion, is a good one. It is, however, completely and utterly engrossing. But Chris, you might ask…don’t the two go hand in hand? Well, yes, I suppose they should, but not always. Just starting reading the review and I’ll explain, trust me.

Contagion starts out on the day after the outbreak of some crazy new disease that blasts you with flu-like symptoms and seems to be good at killing you rather quickly. It starts out in Hong Kong (which makes sense considering all the squalid ranks of humanity crammed into deplorable living conditions there), but seeing as it’s an indirect contact transmission virus, it doesn’t take long for it to spread across the globe, and soon we have a pandemic killing millions as frantic governments race to find a cure that isn’t too expensive or inconvenient to manufacture.

The movie is notable for its eclectic ensemble cast, including Matt Damon (age and Twinkies rendering him almost unrecognizable), Laurence Fishburne (the MAN), Jude Law (people keep talking about hot bad his teeth are in this movie, but I think he’s wearing fake choppers to keep with the whole stereotypical Brit thing he seems to be working…after all, he wears an Andy Capp hat and says things like “crikey!”), Gwyneth Paltrow (doesn’t do much here…just gets sick and dies…but she plays a VERY convincing corpse!), and Kate Winslet.

Now, first off, Contagion has no plot, outside of what I’ve just relayed to you. However, within that threadbare tapestry, the storyline of several protagonists are woven in and while none of them ever intersect (outside of their connection to the disease in various ways), each one remains compelling and gripping. However, that is both Contagion’s strength and its weakness – you get involved with these characters while watching a movie with almost no overall plot, and you’re forced to wait for resolutions that will never come. Contagion barely has an ending…no neat Hollywood ride into the sunset as our heroes happily count their blessings and rejoice as they all get busy to re-populate the Earth.

No, instead the movie just ends, almost as if Contagion’s film crew went on strike one day and Steven Soderbergh just said “screw it” and released it into theaters as-is. But we know that’s not what happened. Soderbergh made a big hoo-ha about wanting this film to depict its subject matter as realistically as possible, and by leaving audiences with a somewhat open ending, he has achieved just that. Because in real life, things never end; people die, the survivors move on.

Of course, if you know anything about Steven Soderbergh movies, you know that they tend to be very pretty, and Contagion continues that trend. Each shot is framed wonderfully, each camera angle seemingly well thought-out in advance, and each and every detail of each and every frame all seem to have been painstakingly arranged, giving Contagion an almost neo-Kubrick kind of vibe when it comes to its presentation. Soothing, sterile, yet gritty and downright horrific when the need arises. It’s a very effective combo.

Also, if you’ve ever wanted to see someone saw open Gwyneth Paltrow’s skull and examine her brain like something out of Stewart Gordon’s Re-Animator, then you’ve certainly come to the right place, kids!

So, if you can take some non-conventional storytelling and a somewhat open-ended narrative and can live without the usual slam-bang Hollywood ending, Contagion might just come across as a breath of fresh air to you. And, now that I’ve had a chance to digest it further, I can indeed say that it’s a film that is both engrossing AND good. No mean feat, there.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Finally.after a few weeks of watching and reviewing fairly mediocre movies, I finally get to write about a good one. That movie is Warrior, a fighting/drama film starring Tom Hardy, Joel Edgerton, and Nick Nolte.

You know, considering how popular Mixed Martial Arts are, I’m surprised it took this long for someone to put out an MMA-themed flick to cash in on the craze.

I’m also surprised that director Gavin O’Connor managed to make one that is as much an effective drama as it is a no-holds-barred exhibition of brutal, professional-level fight scenes.

I think the ads have been touting Warrior as being “inspired by a true story.” Honestly, I have no idea if that’s true, but even when something is “inspired by a true story” it’s usually 97.3% made up, anyway. The late, great comedian Mitch Hedberg once had a joke in his routine where he said an incident where a woman drove her car into a lake inspired him to write a movie about a gorilla. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the Hollywood film-making process.

Anyway, our movie centers around two estranged brothers- troubled ex-Marine Tommy (Hardy, who will be playing the evil villain Bane in the new Batman film), and former MMA fighter turned public school teacher and family man, Brendan (Edgerton, who as far as I know, will not be fighting Batman any time soon). Nick Nolte adheres to type as an actor in a nonetheless impressive role as the brothers’ drunken old dad, Paddy. The gist of the plot is that there’s this big MMA tournament and both brothers start training to enter it, each for their own personal reasons. However, Brendan has “trust” issues with both Tommy and dad, and must finally confront the issues that tore their family apart.that’s the “drama” aspect coming into play, so we as an audience have something to watch between the in-ring beat-downs.

As I said earlier, Warrior both impresses as a drama

and as a movie about grown men pounding each other into mush within the confines of a cage. The story itself is solid but unremarkable – there are echoes of just about any “underdog” sporting film you’d care to mention – but it’s the acting prowess of our leads that really kicks the film into overdrive. Hardy, despite looking like a really mean guy, is actually extremely talented in front of the camera…go see the whacked-out 2008 film Bronson for a good example of this guy’s range as an actor.

In Warrior, Hardy portrays a character with a tough exterior but has a bubbling cauldron of emotional problems just under the surface. Edgerton is great as well as a man failing to make ends meet with his nice, safe day job and is forced to go back into the cage to provide for his family (and, of course, he has a wife who doesn’t support this course of action.isn’t there always one of those?). But Nick Nolte is truly the man of the hour in Warrior. Again, he’s not re-inventing himself here, but he still delivers an outstanding performance within the confines of a man trying to pull his lost family back together while also burdened with the nonstop fun of being a recovering alcoholic.

And, let’s get to what’s probably the main draw for the kids.the fights. Realistic, masterfully-choreographed, filmed beautifully with an in-your-face style that really drives home the punishment these guys absorb, the combat in Warrior is the next best thing to putting on a pair of MMA gloves and letting Bas Rutten “liver shot” you until you’re a quivering pile of Jell-O on the mat. Word on the street is that Hardy and Edgerton did about 85% of their own fighting, which is pretty.well, I’ve used variations on “impressive” at least twice before in this review already, but nothing else comes to mind and I’m too lazy to open Internet Explorer and look at an online Thesaurus, so I’ll just say that it’s pretty impressive. Again.

So,

Warrior ends up being to MMA movies what Black Swan was to Ballet movies. That is, something that paints it’s respective sport in the best and worst possible lights, while highlighting the complex human drama behind the men who compete in it…provided that anything in the script is really inspired on something that happened in reality like the producers claim. Highly recommended.

(Long Island, N.Y.) I wanted to watch Apollo 18 for you this week, which looked like a pretty good horror/sci-fi movie. Alas, due to a scheduling snafu, I was instead forced to endure a lovely little source of pain called Shark Night 3D. Yes, Shark Night 3D. I’m telling you, no good can come of a film with that title. None at all. I’d seen the trailer…seen it, and written it off as an insipid advertisement for yet another lame by-the-numbers horror movie about stupid teens played by stupid 30-something year-olds getting eaten by stupid CG sharks. And yeah, in reality, having sat through this piece of garbage, that’s exactly what I got. No more, no less.

Now, as a fan of horror movies – REAL horror movies, not slick, focus-tested, watered-down swill like this – I was at least hoping for some good, old fashioned gore to pass the time. I mean, it’s a movie about sharks eating people…it’s bound to at least have a few good, messy kills to satisfy my inner maniac, right? Guess again; Shark Night 3D is rated PG-13. Now, I’ve seen some good, gore-free PG-13 horror movies (the recent James Wan-directed flick Insidious comes to mind), but this is a movie about SHARKS EATING PEOPLE. It’s not a gripping drama like Jaws, it’s a cruddy, low-budget horror film churned out like clockwork for mass consumption. It’s supposed to be gory!

Don’t get me wrong…Shark Night 3D does have its share of toned-down carnage, but in the end, a PG-13 version of this movie only hurts it. After all, it’s called Shark Night 3D…people expect it to be two things: A) bad, and B) bloody. Instead, it’s just bad, and not in a good way.

The plot follows the typical Friday the 13th mold we’re all so familiar with: college friends from Tulane University who spend a weekend at a house near Lake Pontchartrain in Louisiana. Cue drinking and partying, which is soon cut short by the appearance of SHARKS in the lake. Yes, it turns out that a shadowy, mysterious figure has unleashed an army of sharks into the lake for kicks and, of course, the kids start dying one-by-one, leading up to the big confrontation at the end with the evil, unknown baddie!

Sounds like an art film, I know, but it’s really not. I swear!

Shark Night 3D is not a good movie. It’s not written well, it’s not acted well. The cast is mostly nobodies, with the exception of perhaps former American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee. Wait, what am I saying? The cast is ALL nobodies, that’s what. Nobodies that can barely act, in a movie scripted by a writer that can barely write and a director that can barely direct. It’s just disgusting.

Obviously made to cash in on the success of the recent horror/comedy Piranha 3D, but without the humor, fast pacing, and hard R-rating that made that movie successful, Shark Night 3D is a boring, instantly forgettable waste of time that I’d can’t advise you against seeing enough.

It’s actually depressing…if you look through my recent movie reviews, you’ll see that I had a nice run of solid-to-good films to write about lately. I was feeling lucky, honestly, that I hadn’t hit a huge speed bump of sorts in a while. But things have been slowly getting worse lately, and I am finding myself handing out my first one-star review since Kevin James’ truly awful Zookeeper (which really wasn’t that long ago). Actually, now that Zookeeper comes to mind, Shark Night 3D doesn’t seem so bad in comparison. Of course, that’s like saying that the guy that robbed and set fire to your house isn’t as bad as, say, Hitler. It’s small comfort.

Shark Night 3D = bad. Avoid. Thanks. Good night!

(Long Island, N.Y.) Oh, good! It’s been at least three or four weeks since I’ve seen an action movie where a rail-thin supermodel beats the crap out of men who outweigh her by at least 100 pounds. Because, you know, that happens all the time in real life. Don’t get me wrong…I know movies are all about suspension of disbelief, but there’s gotta be at least some grounding in reality for it to work, and watching a woman who looks like she sustains herself with a steady diet of water and Tic-Tacs manhandle guys the size of Bob Sapp just doesn’t swing it, ya know?

Thus, I present to you, my loyal readers, this week’s review: Colombiana, the new movie written and produced by French action god Luc Besson (The Professional, The Fifth Element) and directed by Olivier Megaton (Transporter 3).

Colombiana is your basic revenge flick. So, what USUALLY happens in revenge flicks, you ask? Well, let me tell you. First, someone the main character loves is usually killed. Then, the main character goes into training. Then, the main character goes out for revenge. People die, the end. And, to detriment, Colombiana doesn’t stray from this tired formula for one second of its running time.

As our movie opens in the beautiful, drug-infested country of Colombia, Cataleya Restrepo (Zoe Saldana) watches her parents get murdered at the behest of a mobster named Don Luis (Beto Benites). Cataleya is then sent to the States to live with her uncle (Cliff Curtis), who spends years training her to be a stone cold killer. Fast-forward 15 years, and Cataleya is now killing off Don Luis’ thugs, clearing a path of blood and guts straight toward the man who took her mom and pop from her all those years ago. Um…that’s about it.

Remember my earlier reviews, where I used to basically describe the plots of movies in such detail that you almost didn’t even need to see them? Obviously, I’ve toned that down recently, but I couldn’t write an overblown review like I used to with Colombiana if I locked myself in a hotel room for a week with no TV or telephone. It’s THAT bare-bones.

Of course, The Professional, Luc Besson’s 1994 masterpiece (back in the days when he still used to direct), didn’t have the deepest plot, either. So what makes THAT one so great and Colombiana so ‘eh’…? Well, Besson had this knack for infusing his movies with colorful, quirky, and memorable characters in addition to loads of carnage and viscera. And when you have that combo, who needs extensive back stories? However, the problem with Colombiana is that there’s none of that rich personality or charm amid the bloodletting. None of the characters have any real defining traits or endearing characteristics. They’re all just kinda…there, and as a result, you don’t connect with any of them. That’s really weird to see in a film with Besson’s fingerprints on it.

It doesn’t help that Zoe Saldana’s best performance in her career thus far was playing a blue cartoon cat in James Cameron’s Avatar. In any flesh-and-blood role I’ve seen her in, she’s always come across as flat and, dare I say it, boring. Colombiana doesn’t change that.

Olivier Megaton really isn’t to blame…he’s just the hired gun here, and does a solid enough job moving the film along. Most of the real action doesn’t happen until the second half, but Megaton manages to keep the slower first half from getting bogged down too much, despite the best efforts of the scene-killing Saldana. The fight scenes themselves are well-done, with the exception of trying to pass off twig-girl as a ruthless killing machine. Still, overall, Megaton runs a pretty tight ship, which surprised me considering what a middle-of-the-road affair Transporter 3 was. I was expecting less here, which is maybe why I’ve giving him so much credit.

So, Colombiana isn’t that great a flick. It pains me to say that, but even though this movie is as generic and unoriginal as can be, I still have to give Luc Besson a pass…mainly because he gave me a wonderful gift a few years ago in the form of a film called Taken, starring everyone’s favorite vengeful father, Liam Neeson. So, as long as Besson eventually stops stuffing his puss with crepes suzette long enough to give me a sequel to that much-loved slaughterhouse of a movie, he can go slumming with all the Colombianas he wants.

But hey, Luc…that goodwill generated by Taken won’t last forever. Bear that in mind.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Conan the Barbarian is Arnold Schwarzenegger. No one else can ever play the hero of Robert E. Howard’s sword and sorcery novels as convincingly as the Austrian Oak did in director John Milius‘ 1982 epic film. Sadly, the grim specter of time has aged the once-mighty Arnold to the point where we will probably see no new Conan’s out of him, so Hollywood has seen fit to continue their horrid Windows 7 Home Basic Clave and dare I say Satanic obsession with remaking every and any movie that has ever existed. Thus, in 2011, a new Marcus Nispel-directed Conan the Barbarian exists, starring Jason Momoa in the titular role.

The plot is very similar to the 1982 film- Conan’s people are destroyed, he grows up big and strong and goes out into the world and steals, kills, and womanizes. Along the way, he bumps into some monsters, an evil witch (Rose McGowan, made up to appear as weird-looking and unattractive as possible…real bright move), and, oh yeah, the guy who killed his people. Bloodletting ensues.

Okay. We all know I hate remakes, unless they’re either bringing something fresh and new to the concept or filling in the gaps the original movie had with modern technology. The new Conan does none of this. It doesn’t possess the driving, powerful, classic score of Arnold’s movie, nor the great dialogue, not the sense of grandeur. But don’t get me wrong- taken on its own, the 2011 Conan is solid, yet plagued with all the things I hate about modern action movies: shaky cameras, characters you don’t know or care about, and, of course, every fight scene dissolving into a rapid-fire series of millions and millions of cuts, ensuring that even if there WAS a combat choreographer hired, you’d never get to see even a glimpse of his work. Yet the film is suitably violent, fast-paced, and it just looks right. I mean, they nailed the visuals but alas, none of the feel or the heart of the original.

Now, when Jason Momoa was announced as playing this new Conan, I (and about half the world) laughed and cried at the same time. I mean, here was a guy playing Conan who looked like someone that Arnold’s Conan would be throwing off a mountain in the name of Crom or something.

But, within the context of this new movie, I’m shocked to say that, while still a pimple on Arnold’s broad 1982 back, Momoa is probably the best thing about this totally unneeded remake. He bulked up a lot for the role, seems fairly capable of swinging a sword (I think…the fast cuts make is really hard to tell), and has suitable presence and charm to play the famous Barbarian. Out of a film populated with cool-looking characters that are nonetheless completely undeveloped, bland, and generic, Momoa brings a bit of personality and, believe it or not, bad-assery to the proceedings. Arnold’s Conan would still snap Momoa’s spine over his knee like he was made out of straw, but I guess it’s time to stop living in the past and move onward. Unfortunately.

So, the new Conan the Barbarian is a solid yet unremarkable remake, one that pales horribly in comparison to the original. I personally blame most of this on director Marcus Nispel, who appears to a bit of a hack, in my opinion. I seem to remember giving his last movie, the Friday the 13th remake (YET ANOTHER REMAKE!!), a fairly good review, but I have to admit, it was my glee over a new Jason Voorhees flick more than any actual enjoyment I got out of watching it that prompted me to rate it as well as I did. When the rose-colored glasses were removed, the loud, unoriginal, by-the-numbers approach taken with the F13 remake actually should give you a pretty good idea how the Conan remake turned out as well.

Ah, modern studio film-making…you’re pretty, and maybe even fun, but there’s not a thought in that vacant head of yours and within hours, I’ve already forgotten you. Oh, well.

(Long Island, N.Y.) You know, I love horror movies. Love ’em. But they’re liars, mind you…terrible, terrible liars. They’re always promising to end their respective

series, only to pop back from the dead just like the antagonist of any self-respecting slasher film after you think the hero has finished them off. Its like,

when they made Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, which was followed by eight sequels (I’m counting Freddy vs. Jason in there). Or, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, which of course, wasn’t actually the

final nightmare. And so on and so on.

Now, in the case of Friday the 13th, being a big Jason fan, I’m actually happy the producers were untrustworthy and kept pumping out new installments. But some series…they just need to go away and stick with it. Case in point: Final Destination. Now, I’m not going to say that the series is crap or without entertainment value; in fact, I’ve had my share of fun watching these movies, which all share the same exact plot: teen has a premonition about an upcoming disaster, prevents the deaths of their friends, Death gets pissed that his plans have been mucked up and starts killing them off one-by-one via silly yet ultra-gory “accidents.” Due to that hook, the Final Destination series was kind of cool early on, but pretty much peaked with the second movie. By the time the supposed “Final” Final Destination film, called The Final Destination (did that all make sense? I

hope so) was released in 2009, the franchise had pretty much played itself out. But, I guess The Final Destination made gobs of dough, because now we have yet another sequel on our hands…Final Destination 5. And it’s in 3D! Whoopee!

I don’t have to tell you the plot. It’s the same as in every other installment of this damn series, except that the disaster in this one involves a bridge collapsing as opposed to a traffic pile-up or a plane crash. Otherwise, it’s the same thing…Death (who is talked about as if it’s an intelligent being, but is never actually shown) gets mad and starts killing off the cast. As usual, the kids eventually discover a plan to defeat Death, but as usual, it never works, and the result is just filler in-between

the fantastic and complex kills, which remain the series’ calling card. Yes, if you’re a gore hound, you’ll be happy.

I’d delve into the cast, but they’re all interchangeable nobodies and stereotypes except maybe for Tony Todd (known for the Candyman films), who’s considered one of the heavy-hitters of horror. Here, he plays the most common of horror characters: the Mysterious Man Who Knows Everything So He Can Provide Exposition To The Audience. Every horror movie needs one. Friday the 13th had Crazy Ralph, and Final Destination 5 has Tony Todd. Personally, I prefer Crazy Ralph, but whatever.

I will say that the tone of this movie is somewhat darker than the rather comedic fourth edition, which is a rather welcome change. After all, why should you root for characters to live if their deaths are all played for laughs? I’m not saying that Final Destination 5 is gravely serious, but it at least tones down the goofball humor a bit. It’s still pretty wonky in parts, however.

But, in the end, all of my complaints are moot. If you’re a horror fan, you will no doubt get some degree of satisfaction from watching yet another Final Destination movie, since there ARE a lot of things here to appeal to the average fan of the genre, such as hot girls and loads of blood and guts. If you’re expecting more from Final Destination 5 then you’re delusional, since when do we ever get anything different or experimental from a modern, big-budget, studio horror movie? A Silence of the Lambs-style film only comes along maybe once every generation, sadly. But, until the next horror opus that comes along and actually attempts to push the genre in a new direction with intelligence and characters that actually contain more depth than the paper the script is typed upon, movies like Final Destination 5 will keep us numb with buckets of blood and intestines.

It’s just a shame that our expectations have been set so low these days.

(Long Island, N.Y.) Hey kids! Today’s review is Cowboys And Aliens, the new sci-fi western directed by Jon Favreau (Elf, Iron Man 1 and 2) and starring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. It’s taken a mild beating in the press, pulling in mostly average reviews, but I’m here to give you the real deal on this one. If you’ve been sitting on the fence about seeing Cowboys And Aliens after reading what Joe So-And-So of the Boston Whatever said in his half-paragraph review located on page 12 under a Stop And Shop ad, wait no more. Well, read MY review first, THEN stop waiting.

The short version- it’s great. The long version- a mysterious Man With No Name (Daniel Craig) wakes up in the middle of nowhere, only partially clothed, with no memory of who he is or where he’s been. He still remembers how to talk, eat, and go to the bathroom, so obviously his memory loss is only of the short-term variety, but that doesn’t improve his situation much. Also odd is the huge metallic bracelet clamped around his wrist that he can’t remove. After brutally killing three punks that hassle him and taking their clothes (and a doggie!) in a scene reminiscent of 1984’s The Terminator, he strolls into the nearest town and, once there, starts running into all sorts of locals that recognize him as a wanted outlaw named Jake Lonergan.

Anyway, Lonergan befriends a local preacher (Clancy Brown) and a saloon owner (Sam Rockwell), and is bugged by

a “way too beautiful to be hanging out in this crappy Wild West hellhole” woman named Ella (Olivia Wilde),

who now not only seems to know who the stranger is, but also where that weird bracelet around his wrist is from.

However, Lonergan runs afoul of a powerful local cattle rancher named Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) after he kicks his crazy son Percy (Paul Dano) in the grapefruits for shooting up the town. Dolarhyde, responding to reports that his son has been arrested for his shooting spree, arrives in town only to discover that Lonergan, who apparently had previously robbed Dolarhyde of a gold shipment before he lost his marbles, has also been arrested by the sheriff. But before Dolarhyde can dispense vigilante justice, SPACESHIPS attack the town with disco lights, blowing things up and abducting humans to experiment on in true alien fashion.

Of course, the humans and their puny weapons have no effect on the ships, until Lonergan’s bracelet opens to reveal some kind of energy weapon, which he uses to shoot down one of the attackers. Dolarhyde, whose worthless son Percy was among those kidnapped (presumably to be *ahem* “probed”), for some reason wants to rescue the idiot and puts together a posse to track the downed ship’s pilot back to his home base. Lonergan, though reluctant to go at first, as all tough-as-nail loners always are, eventually tags along, but will even his wrist laser thingy be enough to turn the tide against the alien invaders and rescue the town’s lost kin?

I’m getting tired of reviewing good movies lately…it’s been a while since I’ve seen something really bad that I can just tear apart, but alas, Cowboys And Aliens is a fun movie that is pretty much completely

entertaining all the way through. Seriously, I’ve seen plenty of flicks that, while enjoyable, all had dead spots or something really stupid happening, or whatever, but I don’t think there was any one point during this movie where it slowed down or got stupid. There was one minor plot point about Olivia Wilde’s character that almost lost me, but I ended up not minding it at all in the end.

And yes, the whole premise of Cowboys And Aliens – you know, cowboys fighting aliens and all – may seem goofy as hell on paper, but in reality, director Jon Favreau handles it perfectly, grounding the townsfolk’s reactions to the invasion in reality, which each person viewing the aliens differently; some as demons, some as monsters, and so on. But the humans, though hopelessly outmatched in terms of technology AND physiology (the aliens are bigger and meaner), still bravely fight their hardest against the threat.

Also, the look and feel of the Wild West is just really well-captured in Cowboys And Aliens, and meshed well with all the alien stuff introduced later in the picture. But the movie starts out so compellingly, the performances so rock solid, that it almost didn’t need the gimmick of the whole space invasion thing. Don’t get me wrong, the alien plot was fun, but if this movie had just remained being about a loner with no memory wandering into some random town and getting into trouble and nothing else, I still would have enjoyed it, and I’m not even a big fan of Westerns to begin with. The movie is intense, funny, and, most of all, fun.

But the thing that makes Cowboys And Aliens such a joy to watch is the acting of the amazing ensemble cast. If the James Bond movie Casino Royale didn’t convince you that Daniel Craig is the real deal, than this movie should do the trick. Aside from

doing a perfect American accent, Craig nails the tough-as-nails loner, radiating a “DON’T MESS WITH ME” vibe the whole movie that was really awesome. Harrison Ford is great as a salty old grump, and the chemistry he shares with Craig in their scenes together is the highlight of the film. Clancy Brown and Sam Rockwell are also both amazing in their supporting roles, and while Olivia Wilde is somewhat bland, she still adds to the movie as a whole in her scenes with Craig, as her character serves to humanize him somewhat. Plus, she’s just nice to look at.

So, now you’ve read my review, and maybe you’re even feeling a little bad that you haven’t seen Cowboys And Aliens yet. But it’s not too late! Head out and watch it this weekend. It’s supposed to rain, anyway, so it’s not like you’ll be missing any beach time. So go see it!